The BTG Podcast
The BTG Podcast
126/Soulful Conversations: Q&A Session with Jen
Welcome to The BTG Podcast! 🌟
Hey there, lovely soul! I'm your host, Jen Febel, and I'm absolutely thrilled to welcome you to another episode of The BTG Podcast, your go-to space for nurturing your mind, soothing your heart, and enriching your spirit.
"BTG" stands for "Bridge The Gap" and it's inspired by my own healing journey. Here, amidst the chaos of the world, we carve out a sacred space to explore the depths of our being, to unearth wisdom, and to cultivate a sense of inner peace. Whether you're seeking solace, inspiration, or simply a moment of respite, know that you are welcomed with open arms and an open heart.
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Here's what we're talking about this time:
In this special Q&A episode, Jen is taking the hot seat to answer your burning questions on mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.
Ever wondered about manifestation techniques? Curious about mindfulness practices? Or seeking advice on navigating life's challenges with grace and resilience? Now's your chance to get the answers you've been seeking in real time.
Join us as Jen dives deep into a wide array of topics, sharing her insights, wisdom, and practical tips to help you navigate life's twists and turns with clarity and confidence.
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Hello and welcome to the BTG Podcast. I am your host, jen Fable of BTG, wellness and LiveLifeUnbrokencom. Btg stands for Bridge the Gap and it's inspired by my own healing journey. After receiving seven different mental health diagnoses by the age of 19,. I quickly realized that there was a massive gap between what I believed and understood in my head and what I truly felt in my heart, and no matter how many therapists I went to, I couldn't seem to bridge that gap until I found the tools and information that I share in my one-on-one private sessions, trainings and right here on this podcast. My goal is to help you begin to bridge that gap by bringing you different topics related to mental, emotional and spiritual well-being and, in case you didn't know, this podcast is recorded live during my bi-monthly virtual healing circles. These are virtual gatherings that are 100% free and no RSVP is required, so you're welcome to come whenever you can and stay as long as you want. Each circle, we open the space with a candle meditation, after which I will share with you my favorite grounding practices and lead you through a circle casting guided meditation and breath work, and lead you through a circle casting guided meditation and breath work, followed by a soul-inspiring gratitude practice. If you are interested in learning more about how you can continue your journey and experience my virtual healing circles in real time, please visit wwwbtgwellnesscom and join my free Circle membership If you like what you hear in today's episode. Please also remember to leave a review and share the love by sharing this episode with your friends, family and social network and, as always, if you have any questions about anything at any time, please feel free to reach out to me through either of my websites, either btgwellnesscom or my coaching website, livelifeunbrokencom, or through email or social media. Enjoy the episode.
Speaker 1:Welcome to the Virtual Healing Circle with me, jen Fable of BTG Wellness and LiveLifeUnbrokencom. And tonight I am super excited because we are trying out something completely different here in the Healing Circle and on the podcast. Get ready, because tonight is an open forum, which means there is no set topic tonight. This is the first of what I hope will be many Q&A sessions with me. Tonight it's all about you and your burning questions, anything and everything related to mental, emotional and spiritual well-being and healing.
Speaker 1:I'm here for it all If I can plug you into some new resources and point you in the right direction. Amazing If I can offer some perspective and guidance awesome, and even if I can't, I'm sure we'll have some amazing conversations. Now, before we jump in, just a quick heads up that this podcast is for entertainment purposes only. I am not a doctor, nor am I a registered mental health professional. Everything I share is based on my own experiences and research, so please be sure to consult a qualified professional if you have any questions or need medical or psychological advice. All right, let us dive in. Tonight is all about you, all about your questions, and I can't wait to see where this takes us.
Speaker 2:There were two things I've learned from you over the years. First thing was really great. So it's not a question, it's you said when, when somebody's criticizing you or you know, picking away, not to take it in at your on your own into yourself, but to say, well, I like myself fine and just carry on and I use that, I use that. It's the best thing. Well, I like myself fine. And this is a question, though. There was a thing once I saw you talking and you were saying something and then you went cancel, cancel, cancel. Yes, I did. Can you explain that?
Speaker 1:So the cancel, cancel, cancel is what in NLP is called a pattern interrupt. A pattern interrupt means that if, in the course of exhibiting a behavior, a different behavior is inserted after enough insertions, it becomes part of the pattern. So it's kind of like putting a reroute in your neurology. The best example, the one I use in my eight day training, is um. So generally speaking I'm really good about there's coach Jen and then there's just Jen, because my friends I learned very early on in coaching find coach Jen fucking annoying. When they just want to bitch about their day, right, some people don't want the empowered answer, they just want a friend to be like that sucks. When they just want to bitch about their day, right, some people don't want the empowered answer, they just want a friend to be like that sucks. And I had to kind of learn that balance. Even knowing that balance, every once in a while I like to put a little thing out in the universe when I can. So I sing in an all women's acapella chorus show choir, so there's 48 women and we do different activities where we like brainstorm, like how are we going to get to the next level of our singing, or how can we show more emotion or whatever right Little group activities. So we're in a group activity and if you've hung out with me for a while, you've probably heard me talk about the word try. Anyone know why I don't like the word try?
Speaker 1:The word try linguistically presupposes failure. It doesn't actually exist. So something I like to do is, if you have something near you, like a pen or your phone or something, some object you can hold, if you hold it in your hand and then with the other hand, try to take it. And what most people will do is they'll do this, which means they take it out of their hand and then it's holding it in the other hand and I'm like well, no, you took it, I want you to try to take it. So then you'll see the person go like this, and now they're just holding it with both hands and I'm like, well, no, now you're not taking it, I want you to try to take it. It's very you know if you're a Star Wars fan it's very Yoda-esque. Try is an illusion Do or do not. There is no try. So the word try linguistically presupposes failure. So the only time we use it is actually in hypnosis, on purpose, when we want someone to not do something. So in hypnosis scripts it's very common to say things like try to open your eyes and find the delight that you cannot. It presupposes failure. It tells your unconscious mind meh, when someone says they're going to try to come to your party, they're not coming, they're not invested.
Speaker 1:So we're at this group activity with chorus, we're all talking, and one of the ladies is like, oh, what if we try this? And I was in a mood. So I'm like wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Are we going to try that or we're going to do that? She kind of looks at me. She's like, no, we're going to do that. I'm like, okay, I was just checking, just making sure. And then I go back to writing my notes and then blah, blah, blah and oh, what if we try this? Like another, I'm like sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Are we trying it or are we like doing it? I need to know. And they're like, no, we're going to do it. Okay, cool, thank you. The third person they start to talk and they go what if we, what if we do this? They caught themselves. I didn't have to say anything, I didn't have to give them a whole lecture on the word try, all I had to do was a pattern interrupt and eventually the pattern interrupt becomes part of a new pattern. They catch themselves.
Speaker 1:So cancel, cancel, cancel is a pattern interrupt that we do on ourselves Anytime we have a thought or say something that we don't want to live. So every word we say out loud and every word we say in our head is basically a hypnotic suggestion to our unconscious mind. It's always listening. Your unconscious mind is really good at doing what you ask. The problem is we give it mixed messages. We stand in front of the mirror and we say I'm worthy, and then we spill coffee on ourselves. We're like I'm such an idiot so we're not giving it consistent messaging.
Speaker 1:If I want, want to heal my life, all I have to do is change my language and my neurology will follow. That's kind of the premise of neuro-linguistic programming. I can't change the outside world. I want to change this behavior, but if I try to change just the behavior, I leave all the crazy stuff in my head. So now I'm fighting myself. But if I change my language, that automatically changes my behavior.
Speaker 1:And so with the cancel, cancel, cancel, it's a way to interrupt a pattern interrupt on myself anytime I give myself a hypnotic suggestion that I don't want to install, such as I'm such an idiot because sometimes it pops out of your face or have to talk about, like um, uh, let's say I'm talking about, you know, the cat scan I went for and I'm like, you know, they're looking for bad stuff and I don't want to install that. So cancel, cancel, cancel, so cancel, cancel, cancel is a pattern interrupt. It is a way to reroute our neurology and it's a way to stop a hypnotic process and take more control over how we hypnotize ourselves. Very cool question. Did that answer the question? Yeah, awesome, awesome okay.
Speaker 3:so I'm, I'm going into a huge life change. Right now. I am leaving my job officially. In three days I will not be working, it is, but it's also very terrifying because I'm such a creature of routine. And how do I make that transition? Or without going absolutely crazy, cause I won't be around people where I've been around people for so long I'm kind of freaking myself out a bit with some things that I probably should start practicing, some of the lessons I'm sure you taught me along our journey. But how do I transition to that crazy, crazy, crazy? Absolutely nothing, absolutely nothing.
Speaker 1:So first of all, yay, very exciting. Remember that in moments of transition, we're moving into that something called liminality or the liminal space. The liminal space is a transition point. So if you think about doorways, our liminal spaces, from going from one room into another, a doorway is not part of either room, it's its own little entity, but that little entity connects two rooms in the house. Think about airports. Those are liminal spaces. You're not really in your home city anymore. You're in this weird building. That's kind of in it. That's somewhat the separate society, but you're not in the new place yet. You're building. That's kind of in it. That's somewhat the separate society, but you're not in the new place yet.
Speaker 1:So in spaces of liminality, the best advice I can give you and you're going to hate me is to embrace the suck. It's going to suck. It's going to suck because you're not. You're going to be confused. You've got all these new choices. You're going to have to re-evaluate. Who am I? Who do I want to be? How do I want to show up in this next stage? What do I want to explore? There's lots of wonderful questions to ask, but we can't ask those questions if we're too busy asking questions like what do I do to make this feel better? There's really nothing that will make it feel better, and when you embrace the fact that liminal spaces are, by definition, in between points where you're not where you were but you're not yet where you're going to be, when you embrace the uncertainty of that, it does suck less how do you know when you're on the right path towards is next the short answer is there really is no right or wrong path anywhere there.
Speaker 1:That's the illusion. The longer answer is of all those infinite paths that you have access to, which is the one that you want the most, which is the one that you're willing the most to go for? Which is the one that you want the most? Which is the one that you're willing the most to go for? Which is the one that's most feasible for you and which is the one that will give you most opportunities to light up your own soul? And that's a calibration, yeah, yeah, and you know what? Standing outside with the breeze on your face is free and it's a moment of lighting up your soul and giving yourself space to cry and grieve, because there is grief in liminal spaces. You're saying goodbye to something To step into possibility, but because the possibility is abstract and the thing that you're leaving, know with your five senses, your brain has a hard time doing that shift. It's going from I know this to I don't know this. So you have to give it time to grieve and be okay with being sad for what you knew, not being there anymore.
Speaker 1:Even if it's the best decision in the world, there's going to be grief. There's always grief and liminal spaces, and remembering that grief is five different stages that don't happen linearly, because the universe is hilarious and everything is dimensional, and so you will go through all of them, and one of the stages of grief that most of us like to ignore is anger. There's going to be anger at yourself for not knowing the next step. There's going to be anger at yourself for not knowing the next step. There's going to be anger at situations that you couldn't resolve while you were where you were, or things how they were left, or not knowing all the answers. There's going to, there's always anger in grief. It's a whole stage of it, and so giving yourself permission to feel all the feels of the liminal space is the best way to make the liminal space feel better. It's completely counterintuitive. The more you lean into it, the less horrible it'll feel. It's the resistance that hurts.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think it would be easier if I were leaving a job that I absolutely hated and people I couldn't stand working with. But neither of those are true right. So it's by choice, just evolution of my soul. And now I'm sitting here going what are you doing, you foolish girl? But yeah, I'll find out, I'm sure of it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, see that second one, the I'm, I'm, I'll find out, I'm sure of it. That's how you know you're on the right path, when you can start to follow that one, because your brain will always come up with reasons why you shouldn't, why you can't, why you haven't, why you won't. There's always, always going to be reasons and that little pull that tells you yeah, even despite all the reasons, I just know that I need to do this. That's how you know you're on the right path. If you are open to noticing symbols and signs, which I know you are, then keep your eyes open for symbols and signs around you. They come in ways that you recognize but aren't immediately obvious, right? So I tend to get a lot of repeating numbers. If you tend to get whatever your sign is, there are signs. If you don't have a sign for those who are listening who don't have a sign, ask the universe for a sign. Hey, can you give me some signs that are meaningful to me? That I know. But then keep your eye out. It's going to come in little tiny things. It's not going to be literally a sign to be like you're on the right path and suddenly all the doubt goes away. No, that doesn't happen, that doesn't happen. Doubt will always exist, because that part of our brain is always on alert, because that keeps us from dying. It's important, so that running commentary that's always in our head is part of it. We just have to remember that the wise voice is different, the wise feelings are different, and take space to figure out what that means for us. And you won't know unless you let yourself get down and dirty with your emotions. It's a crap system. The complaints department is like way up in the sky, but that's kind of how it works. Yeah, like I said, you're not going to like my answer. The answer is lean into the suck. Lean into the suck. It's liminal. It's going to feel feely Cry.
Speaker 1:However often you need to cry, do things to make yourself happy as much as you possibly can. When you're feeling utterly, utterly confused and don't know what to do, write it in your journal. Just write down. I'm so confused I don't know what the hell to do right now. Just do. My whole thing is when you don't know what to do. Just do something. Just keep doing something. Okay, thank you. Thank you so much for that. My pleasure sure.
Speaker 4:Okay, this is kind of a broad area, but just like, uh, energy and uh, lacking it, and uh, I'm trying to find out why I'm I'm lacking so much energy and um, uh, well, you know, you know my story, it's been that way for many, many years and um, um, I don't know if it's more of a symptom of anything else I quite often I'm feeling kind of tension here between the eyes, and I was just thinking about the third eye chakra and thinking a little bit about chakras and if they're blocked, if that's, you know, part of energy and also just a lot of stuff held inside from the past. A lot of you know whether it's, you know, all sorts of difficult emotions and stuff and having trouble releasing them and thinking about you know that as being a cause of lack of energy and just any. I guess, yeah, just trying to find a way to get more of it.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, absolutely. So what specific type of energy is it that you need more of? Is it physical, mental, emotional or energetic, or is it all of them?
Speaker 4:All of them.
Speaker 1:All of them okay. So if we're feeling a lack of energy, first we have to recognize that there's four different layers.
Speaker 4:I'm sorry, can I interrupt? Yes, yeah, sorry, because when you say of energy first, we have to recognize that there's four different layers. Sorry, can I interrupt? Yes, yeah, sorry, because when you say emotional energy, when my emotions come up, there's a lot there, so I don't know if that's a need of emotional energy, although other, at other times I guess I'm pushing away my emotions in some way or keeping them down, so I don't know if that'd be in need of emotional energy too or not. But okay, I'll let you continue.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, absolutely so. Emotions are energy, they just are. The way it's translated in our body is through something called neurotransmitters, and neurotransmitters are little biochemical signatures or molecules, not quite accurate, but little things in between your synapses that translate messages across between your brain neurons. So our emotions are how energy moves through our nervous system, so our nervous system. We have electrical signals that move through neurons and then in that little space where you can't have electricity because you can't have a break in a circuit, little chemicals come into play. That's our neurotransmitters, and then electrical again, so you have electricity moving through our bodies. That's energy on the physical layer. Our emotions change that movement of energy, so that's on the emotional layer. Our thoughts certainly change energy in our body. If you've ever had sucky thoughts, you probably feel sucky right, and so those change. And then the energetic layer and where our energy is there.
Speaker 1:Often when we feel a lack of energy we start at the physical. We want to start to do things in the physical, which is important. It's important to make sure we're working on all of the layers of reality and, of course, medical disclaimer, not a doctor all the things make sure, and I know you have that you're checked out and and on the physical layer of reality, you want to make sure that your body is getting what it needs Right. So obviously, if there's fatigue, things like I've learned recently thyroid and like iron, so we want to make sure always the physical layer of reality is taken care of, because if it's not moving energy in our physical body efficiently, that's going to cause us to feel lack of energy. Once we've kind of addressed that, a lot of us then jump into the chakras, the energy level, the energy worlds, and like, okay, well, I need to get more balanced energy there. And so we do things like meditation or guided meditations. I like hypnosis. We do different things to balance the energies in our body and that's wonderful and obviously I'm a big proponent of that. That's like the focus of my retreats.
Speaker 1:But your emotional self has a really big impact on the movement of energy in your body and when our mental self is stuck in the past or when our mental self is trying to anticipate the future, our emotional self is going to respond to that more than it will to the present moment. So our emotions will follow the mental more than it will the physical. So you can do all the energy work that you want, you can take all the supplements you want, you can read all the books you want on the mental, but unless the emotional realm is taking care of that, emotional energy meaning learning ways to heal from the past, learning ways to speak up from an authentic place not telling people what you think, but telling people what you know about yourself, which requires us to go down there and figure out what we know about ourselves, not what we think we know about ourselves. So, in order to have more energy, we need to find ways to bring in more energy on all those layers, and the one that most of us ignore the most is the emotional layer of reality, and it's the easiest one to fill up.
Speaker 1:If you want to bring more energy into your emotional layer of reality, just do something that you love. That's it. Do something that lights up your soul, that you love, not that you should do, not that is good for you, but that you love. Everyone talks about how the massive vibration of the universe is love and that we want to tap into this world of love. Well, how do I, as a human, tap into this field of love? Do things that I love, do something that you love. How often do you actually do something that you love, that just lights up your soul and brings a smile to your face?
Speaker 4:Practically never.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that would be exhausting. This is how we recharge our batteries. We bring love into us. We are love beings. We need to bring love in. You need to do stuff that you love. It's really simple, but we're just not taught that. We're taught self-care. We're taught to do things that we should do.
Speaker 1:But just because it's good for you doesn't mean it lights up your soul. Those are two different things. Massages are very good for me. I will go for massages because I know it's extremely good for my physical body and it does all sorts of goody stuff for my soul. It does not light up my soul, though. I don't enjoy lying on a table being touched by strangers. Nothing about the experience makes me happy, but there are people who love massages, so it's a very personal thing.
Speaker 1:When I'm working with clients, one of the things we work on is I have them make a list of 30 things that light up their soul, and everyone's reaction is the exact same oh my God, I can't come up with 30. And once you get started, you'll find that there's all these little things that you can do. So it doesn't have to be big stuff, and the secret is, of the 30 on your list, only five can involve other people. The rest cannot involve other people. So it's really nice that you feel energized by like friends, family, kids, pets. That's awesome, but you want to be able to do it without those people present.
Speaker 1:So things like those stuffed animals light up my soul. That's why there's stuffed animals all around my desk like a very high number for a 46 year old woman, but I love them. I don't care. I told my husband for my birthday I wanted a stuffed animal. This is my birthday stuffy, right. It's a cat too, right. So it doesn't matter if it's logical. It doesn't matter if it would make someone else happy. If it makes you happy and lights up your soul, it's bringing energy in. So I would say make a list of things that light up your soul and then do two or three things every day and then see what your energy levels are like after that. I bet they'd be higher. Okay, thanks, my pleasure.
Speaker 5:How do you find things that light up your soul? Because that's the one thing that I've been struggling with. To be honest, I haven't sat down and made a list. That is something I should have as a task. I think I don't want to do that, but how does one know To find 30 things? How would you even figure that out?
Speaker 1:You start by asking yourself the question what lights up my soul? And then you start looking for ways to light up your soul. It's an exploration, right. So often we're not asking the right questions. We're not asking who here has ever asked yourself the question what lights up my soul? Yeah right, we're not taught who here has ever asked yourself the question what lights up my soul? Yeah right, we're not taught to ask this question, so we don't, and therefore we're not attuned to it. The reason everyone has the same reaction is, once you're attuned to what lights up your soul, you might just find that you're already doing some of it. You just didn't know that's what you were doing and so you weren't getting the energy from it the way you thought you were.
Speaker 1:Once you realize I'm doing this to light up my soul, like I didn't, I never knew that, like stuffed animals light up my soul, I'm just like I don't know. I always have a lot of stuffed animals around. I guess I'm just weird. That was kind of the story I told myself and then I explored and I'm like no, these light up like I. I go by myself stuffed animals. They follow me home. I just go out and like need a stuffed animal today, like they're literally everywhere on behind, like behind my desk. You can't.
Speaker 1:The room behind me looks like normal and functional and adulty, but on this side it's all like sparkles and unicorns and shit. My whole desk space is designed to light up my soul, to inspire me. Little, dopey, dorky things like this light up my soul. Swearing lights up my soul. A good cup of Earl Grey tea lights up my soul. Listening to my wind chimes lights up my soul. But it starts by asking the question what lights up my soul? And once you start to ask yourself that, you'll start to discover it, you'll start to realize it. You'll suddenly catch yourself doing something and be like I really enjoy this. Wait, does this light up my soul? I think it does light up my soul. You just didn't know that that's what you're doing, so you weren't getting that good energy from it. Awesome, thank you, my pleasure, my pleasure.
Speaker 7:So I was reading some of the information, some rereading that you had in some of your slides about the chakras and what they represent, and one of the things that I've realized about myself the very basic, very, very basic root chakra and the way that you have it written sort of represents safety, and the truth is I've never felt safe Ever. So how do I fix that?
Speaker 1:So you're starting to ask the right questions. How often have you asked yourself how do I make myself feel safe right now?
Speaker 7:I only started a few. Well, maybe six months ago, when you asked, because you asked me what makes you feel safe? Right now, I only started a few, well, maybe six months ago, when you asked because you asked me what makes you feel safe. You asked me the question. I've got it written down.
Speaker 1:Yeah, then I would suggest back up a step and find out what lights up your soul when you yeah Cause does it make sense that when I'm consistently doing things to light up my soul, I'm also taking ownership of my safety and feeling safer? Yes, yes, in those moments, yes, yes, I do yeah, safety is um not something defined by external circumstances, unless it's obviously defined by external circumstances, right? So in cases of like actual threats to physical body, you'll run, you call 9-1-1 well, that has been a component historically, so it's both.
Speaker 7:Yeah, that's part of it that, so it's hard to separate.
Speaker 1:So if you are physically in a space where it is not safe for you, then you cannot feel safe. But even emotional safety, emotional safety you can access by doing things that light up your soul and taking responsibility for your own energy. When you do that, you will be creating your own emotional safety which, in an ideal world, is used to then propel you to then take yourself to physical safety. So the goal is not to get ourselves emotionally strong so we can weather more storms.
Speaker 7:The real goal is to get ourselves emotionally strong so we can find better sunny skies so, okay, I need to back up for a sec, cause it's but to feel emotionally safe with others.
Speaker 1:So if you are in an environment that is physically unsafe, it will also be emotionally unsafe with others. You need to be able to. You can create emotional safety within yourself to give yourself the strength and fortitude to get yourself to a safer physical place. And if you are physically in a place where your body's constantly in fight or flight, it doesn't have the energy to work on the emotional stuff in the same capacity. It diverts the energy when our body is under fight or flight and in those cases it might not be safe for us to go as deep as we could in other circumstances. We have to be in a physically safe environment in order.
Speaker 1:So do you know Maslow? Have you ever heard of Maslow's hierarchy of needs? Yeah, so self-actualization is at the top. You can't have self-actualization if the physical, which is that first layer of the pyramid. For those who don't know Maslow's hierarchy of needs, basically Maslow psychology guy and he said that in order to that, uh, humans build on our skills. So once our physical safety is assured, then we can start to work on our emotional connection and social interactions.
Speaker 1:But when we're in constant fight or flight and our physical safety is not guaranteed, we return more to animalistic and more instinctual, so we're in constant fight or flight. When we're in fight, fight or flight. When we're in fight or flight, our rational self is offline and our ability to connect with others is biologically impaired. So it's literally physically unsafe for us to be able to. Our biology won't allow us to connect if our physical safety is, uh, threatened. So in order to get full emotional safety, you need to be in an environment that's physically safe. If that's not something that is possible, then you can use the tools to build your own internal emotional safety. So then get yourself to a place where you can get to a more physically safe place, but if it's physically unsafe, you can't be emotionally vulnerable.
Speaker 7:So your own emotional safety? I'm not sure Like I'd like to think so, but then say with another person who, not that I'm physically not safe, but to share something honestly, what I honestly think or really feel or my perspective on something. Because you know people say, oh well, you can tell me, I want to hear. What do you really think? Excuse me, but bullshit. How many times I've been told that. And then you do without being assertive or aggressive or judgmental, or just this is how it feels and what I think and the reaction mental or just this is how it feels and what I think, and the reaction is sometimes not positive. People don't know how to deal with it and it's too intense and it's too this, it's too serious, christine, you're so intense, you're so blah, blah, blah makes me feel. That kind of response makes me feel really really really fragile and bad about myself and I don't know how to get over that.
Speaker 1:Okay, Does it make sense that when you share your opinion, if it is shut down continuously that that would not be a safe place to share?
Speaker 7:Yes, that's the truth of it. Now, does that mean it's?
Speaker 1:permanent and it can never change? No, I guess that's the truth of it. Now, does that mean it's permanent and it can never change? No, is this something that's occurring with every single person in your life? Or just like one or two, maybe half Okay, maybe half okay. Of those half that you are safe with, I would say invest in. That's where you get to practice the emotional safety and connection, vulnerability with the people who have shown that they are not emotionally safe. This is where boundaries with self kind of come in.
Speaker 7:So I'm not good at that. That's it, Christine. Practice your boundaries.
Speaker 1:Boundaries and boundaries with self right, it's boundaries of self. So my mom God bless her and I know she's listening and she's she gets it now. Um, as much as she tried, she was not emotionally safe. At her very best she wasn't emotionally safe. She didn't have the skill set to be able to offer emotional safety and I could accept that in her. But I also had to change and not share things with her in the same way I would with people who I do feel safe with.
Speaker 1:So my boundary with myself is I make sure that I'm only sharing my opinions, my thoughts, with people who've shown that they're open to it and are respectful of this thing. I'm taking a thought and an opinion, something inside of me, and I'm using my vocal cords to share it with you. If you continuously disrespect that or worse, use it against me, I'm not going to share with you anymore. Now, if every person in your close world is like that, it might require readjusting and getting different people in. If you already have half people who you can be safe with, that's awesome. Go to them, share with them. And the people who have shown that they're not, they no longer get the gift of your opinion and your thoughts Sucks to be them. They're missing out. Stop sharing gifts with people who throw them on the floor the way my coach used to describe it.
Speaker 1:So I come from severe enmeshment. Codependency was actually better in my case because that was more healed than enmeshed where I came from. And so the codependent version of love and friendship is I'm going to take my heart. I'm going to flop it on the table and I'm going to give it to you and say here is my heart, please be gentle with my heart. And another person's going to st it on the table and I'm going to give it to you and say here is my heart, please be gentle with my heart. And another person's going to stomp all over my heart and I'm going to be like why did you hurt my heart? It took me some time and a lot of work with my coach to realize that this hallmark version of flop my heart out and please love it is stupid and unsafe. Stop flopping your heart out for people. You're meant to keep your heart. It's a precious item. So we were the way my coach and I talked about it is.
Speaker 1:So we inherited from my mom her dining room China cabinet like this big curio cabinet. That's like a million feet long and tall and has all the things in it that are really pretty and breakable right, little knickknacks and things that you keep hidden. This is precious stuff of memories. I don't want it out anywhere, but this is stuff. These are family heirlooms. They are not just displayed where anyone can find them. They are kept in a very special cabinet in a place where precious items are stored.
Speaker 1:And if someone came over and they were a toddler they had, if there was like this little kid running around, you ever had kids like, come visit you. And if you don't have kids, you're constantly lifting all the breakables up. Oh no, didn't realize that. Yeah, we move breakable items out of the way from toddlers who don't know any better. Stop putting your heart, your heart, your very, very beautiful, precious item in front of toddlers and then being surprised when they smash them. So put it up higher. Invest in the people who you can be open with and know that not everyone in your life has to be that, but it's really nice that the people closest to you are.
Speaker 7:I sometimes feel like, see, now, your view on it is much better than what's in my head, because I feel like that I think and feel things so deeply and always have, and I watch and listen to everything and responding to that, rather than what people are presenting just on the surface, makes people really uncomfortable. And so I don't know, I just find it kind of hard. I kind of think sometimes there's something the matter with me. You know that I wish I could be more fluffy. I don't know, I don't know I get it.
Speaker 1:I get it. Yeah, I get it. I used to tell my mom I wish I was stupid, because you know, they say ignorance is bliss and I really wish that I didn't see and perceive as much as I do.
Speaker 4:Right, it gets in the way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and what I've learned over the years is one hypervigilance is a trauma response Requires some deep healing. We are attuned to the environment, to hyper attune, because that's what kept us safe. Yeah, I have learned that hyper attunement is shit for relationships, because people don't want to be called out and that's not what we're there for. We can either choose connection, or we can choose to be right yeah, connection, or we can choose to be right yeah, and so you get to decide. I can feel someone's energy and be like no, I know what's going on, and I can still choose to use my relationship skills and we'll have a conversation and work on how I repair conflict, because I didn't learn how to repair conflict and that is what I've learned is conflict is the conduit to connection.
Speaker 7:What Say?
Speaker 1:that again, conflict is the conduit to connection. It is in working through conflicts together that you build trust. Trust is not something you give, it's something that you build with other people and it happens by moving through conflict together. I think my favorite so, in addition to watching shitty shows like this is not shitty, it's a fantastic show but, like you know, reality garbage like the Circle. I also watch Love is Blind and the Ultimatum All the relationship shows. I just love it. It's great for anyone who's taken my A day. It's great for like eye patterns and all the language patterns. It's super fun.
Speaker 1:But there was one couple and I remember they were so healthy, both of them were so secure in their communication and there was no passive aggressive. There was honest sharing on both sides and both of them were like I'm really excited for our first fight. And they're like yeah, me too. I'm really curious. I wonder what you're like when you fight. I wonder how we're going to do this.
Speaker 1:Healthy relationships this blew my mind. Healthy relationships they actually are excited for conflict and to work together because they are secure in knowing that they'll figure out a way through it and that they're happy to do it together because that's what brings them together. And that blew my mind, because I was taught that love meant never bringing up any problems and just being compliant, and I couldn't figure out why I then blew up my marriage. I was always giving in and doing everything. How could I possibly be called selfish? That didn't make any sense.
Speaker 1:It took some time for me to realize that taking care of others is an incredible act of selfishness, because we're not doing it for them, we're doing it so they'll like us. That was a weird one for me to wrap my head around. So when we put in boundaries with ourself, when we stop flopping our hearts out on the table for toddlers to stomp on, when we choose to connect with another human versus being right, when we're doing all those things, then we can evaluate if it's emotionally safe. As long as I'm being codependent, I'm not emotionally safe, so how can I judge the other person? Hard pill to swallow.
Speaker 7:Thank you.
Speaker 1:My pleasure, my pleasure.
Speaker 6:I've been working with my own emotions, kind of on the same subject. I want to share the observations I made. I discovered that I was very dependent upon what others would think of my emotions. I was in the process of opening hearts and sharing what we're doing here and what I discovered for myself is that having these feelings for yourself is a choice, is a personal choice that you make for yourself and the space that you have for it is the space that you make yourself and that is independent of what others think.
Speaker 6:And if they express what they think, it can very hurt. But to do that, you first have to give them that opportunity to be heard. And if you say I only speak myself when I know I'm not going to be heard, that's almost saying I keep everything to myself because that's safe. I can tell you, before I went I was scared to go to this meeting and that was exactly the reason why I went, because I practiced this. I choose to be the light and I trust that and I'm prepared to be heard and maybe that observation will help you in your beautiful feelings that are inside of you is your beautiful feelings and they're unique in this world and precious and you start giving that to yourself. That's's how I envision things. Thank you for the time Beautiful.
Speaker 1:Thank you very, very much for sharing that. Yeah, our emotions are ours. What's interesting is that there are receptor sites on every single solitary cell in our body for our own neurotransmitters, our own emotions, but there are no receptor sites for other people's opinions. Their opinions only get in if we let them in. I always used to imagine like someone's throwing me a baseball and I catch it and I'm like do I want to let this in? That's a shitty opinion. I'm throwing that back out. It doesn't. It doesn't get in Linguistically.
Speaker 1:I love, chris, what you brought up earlier, that if someone says something about you like you're really obnoxious, I like me, I like me. That's a great response. You're just too much, I like me. I think I'm just enough. Like, don't argue with people, just validate yourself. I've told me.
Speaker 1:I think probably, chris, my example that I told you is I've been places and I have a very weird sense of humor and I know I have a weird sense of humor and I don't know. I told a joke and the person just looked at me like they had no idea what I was talking about and I'm just like that's okay, I find me funny. I can tell the joke for you. Anyways, I'm hilarious, it's sad that you're missing out on this. Get on the gen bus like. I'll literally say that to people and then, if people are continuously saying that about me, I might decide whether or not I want to hang out with them anymore. But I'm not going to let it in. Not going to someone tells you that you're too much. Be like that's okay, I like me, I'm happy with who I am. Even if you don't believe it yet, use the words because, remember, every word you say out loud and inside your head is hypnotic suggestion. So when you say I like me, guess what? You hypnotize yourself to eventually believe.
Speaker 7:So actually, jen, I want you to know and for everybody to hear through this group alone, there was two phrases, there was a couple of those kinds of phrases that when you said them, I thought they were hysterical. I thought, yeah, I wish I could be like that and I wrote them down. And one that hit me. The phrase was well, I think I'm worthy of, of love, and it hit me like I had never heard it before or felt it maybe, and so I read that as part of my affirmations every day and it's starting to shift and it's like, oh, my worthiness is not dependent on everybody else's opinion, which, up until very recently, it has been. It's always been external, never internal.
Speaker 7:So that's, that's a huge that is huge that is that neurolinguistic sort of programming that I'm an example of that actually working?
Speaker 1:yay, transform, yeah I love it and I want to acknowledge the fact that it only worked because you did it. You could have heard what I said and been like, okay, that's nice, and never done it. It's the actual action and doing things that rewires your brain and the. If you think it's magical to look in the mirror and say to yourself, i'm'm worthy, imagine the magic that happens when you say it to another person. It's explosive. It's explosive. So give yourself the gift of knowing that that's an option and, whenever you're ready, play with that. If the opportunity comes up, you're like that's okay, I think I'm worthy.
Speaker 7:That's the next step.
Speaker 1:Yay, I love it.
Speaker 5:I love it. There's a pattern that I noticed, like at work or whatever, not thinking back on it, when there's like a difference of opinion between me and another person about the protocol or how things should be done or whatever right, like when I've said a couple of different ways and they're not getting it, I just still hold on to their planes. I seem to tend to like shut down. So my question is how do you like I? Basically it switches in my head I'm okay, we're done, whatever, and I just like walk away or I just turn to the computer instead of doing something as if, like I'm done and that's not how I want to be, because that's not, that's not gonna. That doesn't? That just shuts down communication, and so I don't know when that started. Not gonna, that doesn't? They're just just on communication, and so I don't know when that started. Not that it matters, but like I don't know when it started.
Speaker 5:But I just noticed that over the last, however long, and thinking back on a few events, I was like I've been doing that, like I've just been doing that, and it's like that's not how I want to approach conversations, because they're not arguments. You know this person I get along really well the one I'm speaking with today, right, and we're both well communicate, like so it wasn't an argument, it was just a difference of opinion and I think that could be an improvement. And she didn't think so and like obviously me shutting down and just leaving it and ignoring her. You know, just like going to the computer, it's not going to help, it's not going to help anything. Whether Whether I'm right or not, it doesn't matter and it's not going to help her explore that path if she chooses to right. So how do I stop doing that and change that? That just burns bridges and I don't like that.
Speaker 1:What was your goal of the conversation?
Speaker 5:For them to explore a different way and maybe put in a different protocol ah, for you to be right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so you're getting into a pissing contest with someone and it's creating power struggles and when you don't get your way, you shut down. So it's a good to identify that, and my goal was to you know it was also to benefit the pet. You have a lot of reasons for wanting to be right, as does the other person, but if your goal is to be right, then either you win or you shut down. Okay, if your goal is to find a way to collaborate with this other human being, regardless of what the outcome of your conversation is, that will lead to opportunities for connection with them. But if you're going into it, being like I'm right and I just got to prove to them, and then they're doing the same thing to you now, it's just how do I do that when?
Speaker 5:so the situation was, um, their pets are being dropped off of surgery, right, and there's a lot of pets that come in. They're very stressed, right and like, and I'm like we should give, like, this medication we can give, especially nowadays, that they can take orally two hours before they come in. It relaxes them. They're not stoned, they're just commerce and anxiety protocol. A lot of clinics use it and so for me, I really hate seeing them every day that way, because it's not my case, right, it's her case, so I can't go and do the things.
Speaker 1:So your first step is to make sure that you're having a conversation where you can have the goal of resolving the actual problem, and in the moment is not a good choice, gotcha. So after the fact, another time, hey, um, I have some really good ideas about, um, how we can, like I've heard some really good protocols. Other clinics I work at have these really cool protocols. I'd love an opportunity to discuss it with you. Are you open to that? If they say no and they are the rulemaker, you have to accept it or not. But either way, if they make the rules, if they're like head tech kind of thing or the vet, you can present it and see if they're open. But if they say no, it's no, and that's where you can then make sure that you're not going to then shut down and it.
Speaker 1:It hurts to hear this and I know this because it's my pattern 100 pout, we pout, we don't get our way, so we shut down and pout. Okay, right, it might not be what we're doing on purpose, consciously, but it's for sure how it's being perceived by other people. Um, I've had to learn how to go back and apologize. It usually happens, mostly with my husband, but be like hey. Earlier I shut down my own trauma. I'm working on it with my coach. That wasn't an appropriate response to what happened. I'm sorry. I'm going to work harder to not pout in the future. In the future, if I get into a pouty mood, it would be really helpful. If you like, come up and boot my nose. That's where your part comes in, to make sure that, once you set it up and you laid your case and they say no, and they're the ones who make the decisions.
Speaker 5:And they're the ones who make the decisions you have to be willing to accept someone else's influence. Okay, so saying, do you think you'll benefit from some medication or do you feel like is that that's passive-aggressive? Yeah, okay. So what can I say instead?
Speaker 1:in the moment, nothing protocols are in the moment you are, you have a protocol.
Speaker 5:Follow the well they're they differ from pet to pet. So if I do want to put in my input, should I just not put in my input, or do I need to ask them? Was it?
Speaker 1:your case? No, that's your answer, gotcha. Yeah, boundaries in the workplace too. It sucks when there's protocols that you don't agree with, especially in the animal world, where there's a lot of passion, I get it. That's how you and I know each other.
Speaker 4:For those who don't know?
Speaker 1:Sabine and I worked together in clinics my past life I worked in animal hospitals, and the people at the top make decisions and if enough of the decisions you don't agree with, that's feedback about the clinic you're working at Right. So there's a lot and this is in any workplace. The people who make the decisions are often not the people who are in the situation that are affected by the decisions, and so we can present our options to people and say, hey, I think there's a better way to do this. Can I present it? And if they say no, we have to accept this.
Speaker 1:It's something, even in my chorus, that I have to deal with, right? Sometimes decisions are made, especially when it's about marketing. Again, have a background in marketing and I'm super snobby about it too, and sometimes I'm just like it sucks and I'm not in charge of marketing. They put someone else in charge because I didn't want to do it, so I have to let someone else do it, even if I disagree with it. That's my problem, and if I'm angry, I go process that in my journal. That's not the other person's problem. My frustration at their asinine decision is my frustration, and they can't do anything about it. So some ownership, that's a good perspective.
Speaker 1:Thank you, my pleasure, my pleasure, all right, and that's a wrap on our very first Q&A session here on the BTG podcast and in Healing Circle. I hope you found it as enlightening and engaging as I did. Thank you so much to everyone who sent in their questions. Thank you to everyone who came to Healing Circle and engaged and asked the questions. I hope that you got out of it what you hope to get out of it.
Speaker 1:Remember, if I didn't get to your question tonight or if you have some more burning questions, I'd love for you to come join us live next time. Just head over to btgwellnesscom slash circle and sign up for my Healing Circle membership. This way you can be a part of the live discussions, ask your questions and get insights in real time. And until next time, remember to just keep shining your light so bright that you ignite the light in others. We'll see you soon. Thank you again for joining me for this episode of the BTG podcast, which stands for Bridge the Gap with me, jen Fable. Remember, if you want to experience my virtual healing circles in real time, visit wwwbtgwellnesscom slash circle. And, of course, if you have any questions at any time, please know you're always welcome to reach out to me through social media or through my websites at btgwellnesscom, or through my coaching website, livelifeunbrokencom. Thanks again and I'll see you next time.
